Written by Da’Shaun Harrison
I was around 8 the first time.
I still have very clear mirages of what I felt in those moments, what each experience was like, and how I internalized every interaction. But because the abuse went on for so long, I lost track of the years that were attached to them.
My first assailant was a straight, self-identified “tough guy”. A teen on the verge of adulthood and a member of my family. I was a child who did not perform masculinity in the ways young Black boys were expected to. I know that neither of us knew much about sexuality because our family never discussed it. He and I didn’t discuss much of anything, but I do know that we were both taught that any sexual or romantic interaction between two men/boys was forbidden.
After he forced himself inside of me, I couldn’t help but to think endlessly about the act of sex and sexuality. I hadn’t been taught that boys could be raped, but I had been taught about biblical abominations. Through these teachings—that I would later understand to be the result of the socialization process—I knew that what happened between the two of us had to remain a secret. So I didn’t tell. And I hated myself. Not because I had been raped, but because I had become the one thing important enough for my family and our bible to teach against: a faggot, a ‘homosexual’, a soul blackened by the impurities of male-male penetration. And though I was none of these things, because of what I was taught, it was the only way I was able to process it. I never processed it as rape. Instead, I processed it concluding that I was an abomination.
Before I could grapple with what transpired and what it meant in terms of my sexuality or his, I was experiencing it again for the second time. Two times turned into three, and three times turned into four. These encounters stopped being singular moments, but rather occurrences measured by years. And with each passing one, his assaults grew confidently against my body. He expected to touch me, as if he were entitled to my body, and took my confusion as consent. Then, once we were in public, he would interact with me as if he hadn’t violated me the night before. Eventually, I believed that this was normal. I convinced myself that I liked it—that, if I anticipated it, maybe it wouldn’t be as bad.
Then a family friend re-established a new “first time” for me. This time he was fully an adult and I just at the dawn of my teenage years. Moments that were supposed to be spent playing video games and having conversations turned into me, yet again, being violated by a man that I trusted. Except this time, he wasn’t a “tough guy”. He was a “nice guy”. A self-proclaimed gentleman, who cared deeply for people and never disrespected anyone. He also differed because he had a girlfriend that his entire family adored.
So, just like at the age of 8, I was left with only confusion. Never having the space to discuss sexuality with the men that forced sex into my world outside of the violence they enacted against my body. And after the many years of this abuse, I internalized the idea that pleasing men, irrespective of what gender their sexual/romantic partners identified with, was something that I should become accustomed to. These experiences led to me thinking of myself as broken, which I recently wrote about. This brokenness carried me into young adulthood.
‘Ru Paul’s Drag Race’ Star Chi Chi DeVayne Passes Away at 34-Years-Old
Zavion Davenport, better known as RuPaul’s Drag Race’s Chi Chi DeVayne has died at the young age of 34, fellow alum Trinity K. Bonet confirmed on Instagram today.
The Drag Race contestant had been diagnosed with scleroderma, also called crest syndrome, back in 2018.
Fans and other contestants of the show had been sharing the DeVayne’s payment information to assist with the overwhelming cost of hospital bills. Shea Coulee and Priyanka had been especially involved in raising funds for their fellow alum.
‘Real Housewives of Potomac’ star Candiace Dillard Makes Fatphobic Comment Towards Blogger and Suggest That He “Drop Dead”
*deep negro spiritual sigh* There are very few things that truly anger me. Somehow, Candiace, a woman whose mouth seems to get her beat up often, has found one of those few buttons with her latest statement.
So, here I am, minding my fat ass business when I see this:
Rumor has it that she was talking about Kyle from The Black Socialites. It really doesn’t matter who she was talking about, but I guess we’ll never know because she didn’t have the courage to say a name. She did have the courage, however, to talk about her involvement with “plots” against other cast members. She was able to talk for two hours, under the glow of her pale husband’s flickering TV screen, about absolutely nothing of substance.
There are uprisings happening, a pandemic happening, but she’s worried about “plotting” in the DMV. We just passed the 6th anniversary of Michael Brown’s death. That’s in her backyard. That’s a pain that she should be deconstructing. Instead she chooses to attack a fat Black man who is working hard to bring her show press.
I’ll end with the victim’s words, and we can all go back to not knowing Candiace exists:
Trump Administration Cuts Protections for Transgender Americans
On Friday, the Trump administration announced it would be rolling back an Obama-era rule protecting transgender Americans from discrimination in health care.
Under the Obama administration, Section 1557 of the Affordable Care Act expanded the definition of sex discrimination to include discrimination based on one’s gender identity. Under a revised version of the rule, the Department of Health and Human Services will enforce Section 1557 “by returning to the government’s interpretation of sex discrimination according to the plain meaning of the word ‘sex’ as male or female and as determined by biology” beginning in mid-August. In other words, doctors and insurance companies receiving funding from the Fed can legally refuse any patient needing transition-related medical care.
Of course, as quickly as the rule was finalized, many LGBTQ+ organizations including the ACLU,announced intentions to sue the Trump administration over this new language. “The Trump admin has issued a rule that will embolden health care discrimination against transgender people.. All while a global pandemic is occurring.” said the ACLU in a tweet.
Forget a global pandemic, ACLU. Friday’s announcement came on the fourth anniversary of the Pulse nightclub tragedy, a mass shooting at a popular Florida gay nightclub that left 49 people and the shooter dead.
President Trump has made it clear how he feels about the nearly 1.4 million transgender people in this country, his fellow Americans – he doesn’t feel anything.