When my best friend of about 2 years: Christopher Michael Garza committed suicide, I had to re-learn simple things like sleeping alone. We were joined at the hip. I discovered that he was suffering from anxiety & depression and I went from seeing him everyday to basically living with him. I didn’t know it then, but I suppose I had done this as an unconscious effort to save him from himself.

Immediately before it happened, Chris had suddenly improved. The depression seemingly vanished. He had a different aura around him. I thought that maybe the therapy and medication were working. We went out and partied on a Monday night and I slept at his apartment as usual when the night was over. I went to class, came back to his place (because he wasn’t answering my texts or calls) and found him. He used a belt. (Apparently, this happens a lot with people who plan to commit suicide. In their minds, they have found a solution to their anxiety so they seem at peace. If you see these signs in someone, try to get them professional help quickly.)

I’m writing this because I know someone is struggling with depression, especially LGBT individuals. I’m writing this because I know someone is facing loss. I don’t have any answers here like I usually do. I’m still dealing with this. The only thing I can say is that you are not alone. Your life matters. Your pain is real but so are positive solutions. Let Chris’ life and story be a reminder never to take people for granted.

I wrote the following poem after a good drunken cry. As sad as it is, it represents the raw emotion that was going through my mind at the time and I think the story needs to be told. I’m guilty of shying away from talking about topics like this, but we must speak more about these things so that we all can heal collectively from the scars this life often gives us.

Chris by Adrian

Oh, there you are
hanging.
Oh, there you are
dangling.
From the Tree of Death
that you grew while I slept.
Oh…how I regret.

Wake up.
Christopher,
wake up.
Michael,
wake up.
Garza,
wake up.

Tip-toeing, head tilted.
Eyelids lowered, but body lifted.
Your heart’s stopped pace
from that permanent necklace.
Strange fruit, bitter taste.

What am I supposed to do now?
Warm blood always cools down
but why now?
What am I supposed to do now?

My sentences now left undone
waiting on your completion.
Songs now left unsung,
Amplitude depletion.

why?
I could have saved you
I should have saved you
I thought I gave you…
enough
of me for you to see
how much
you mattered
and now your brain matter
can’t interpret
how my heart is shattered
by your hanging, dangling.

WAKE UP!
Tears: they roll
like a scroll
of memories
you left me to behold
alone.

Bed empty,
eyes wet,
room dark,
upset

I’m shivering but I’m not cold.
I’m shaking but you can’t hold
me, like I used to hold you
in those sleepless nights
of internal fights.

Come back to me.
Come back and be
fun and
scared and
hurt and
weird.

We all are.

But we are not by ourselves.
You were not by yourself
but now I feel by myself.
I didn’t get to say bye, myself.

Cheap wine
club nights
deep talks
cover fights

gone.

But not your memory
Nor the beauty of your friendship
Nor your story-shade delivery

I really tried to save you
I want to reset this
But I never could protect you from
Garza Michael Chris

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