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First let me say I love you so much. You have kept my hope many a night when I felt like giving up so Thank you. I feel like you’re my internet friend that I can go to for advice. First of all, I’ve been married 4 years to my sadistic over-controlling husband. When I first met him I was a stripper you know just trying to survive and he toke me out if that showed me how to get my first job, open a bank account things like that but he has always been controlling. now he has a crazy ass baby momma who he is always fighting with at court but mind you I have two kids with him as well as his daughters from this crazy baby momma. My sons are babies 3 and 2. Well long story short in the midst of this court hearing she decides to make up lies and call cps saying all types of craziness that is just horrible and now the thing that makes me mad is that my husband daughters who are 12 and 9 just lied through their teeth to the social worker and I confronted my husband on it and he says we’ll if you have an issue with my daughters kick rocks and is basically defending the fact that they lied and is saying the mom is telling them to say this, but I feel like they are old enough to know the difference between a lie and the truth and them are manipulative just like they mom . I am to the point where I want to just take my kids and just move to Atlanta, but I don’t want to make mad moves and just leave so I wanted your opinion on the situation. Should I just be done with it or try and it work. It’s getting out of control because now my kids are affected. Thanks, Justin, I know you will give sound advice.


Hey boo!! So you’re a remix between NeNe Leakes & Shanda from Love & Hip Hop Hollywood lol. Well, this is interesting. You said your husband basically saved you from the strip club and taught you a little something. I can appreciate him for that, but that doesn’t mean you owe him your life. You’re married to him so you must care for him I’m guessing. Talk to him if you haven’t already and tell him that you aren’t feeling this and figure out what you all can do to make it work. The kids probably were coerced by the mother, that doesn’t surprise me. Some women, unfortunately, use their children to get back at men. Don’t blame it on the children they just seemed to have an ignorant mother who is using them sadly. Please don’t make any drastic decisions unless you are your children are in harms way. Talk to him even bring up the controlling thing and if he doesn’t wanna listen you have to let him know that you’re serious. I hope everything works out and keep me informed. Maybe your story can be “From the Strip Club to the A” lol

Jays help a sister out with. What do you suggest she does?

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5 Comments

  1. Jennelle

    December 1, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    That was awesome advice Justin I was kinda of nervous on what I thought you would say but I liked your response. Ill be checking out your site more I already watch all you videos so hunni you must be popping when I have to follow you on all of your platforms. Congrats boo and continued success!

    • mm

      Justin J

      December 1, 2015 at 8:24 pm

      Yesssss Ms. Jennelle! I’m trying to do a little something! I appreciate you for your support!

  2. Virginia Alexander

    December 2, 2015 at 5:05 am

    Dear Mrs From the strip club ,
    You must be at PEACE and HAPPY . Life is too short to waste away. Try very hard to ignore his other FAMILY. Sounds like there is alot of jealousy on both sides .Jealousy–that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation–can overtake your mind and threaten your very core. PEACE

  3. Lolita

    December 2, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    I wouldn’t blame the children I’d blame the crazy BM and then I’d blame him because she is his problem and NOT yours. he chose her to have children with so he should be “dealing” her. And she sounds like she needs to be dealt with.

  4. Ieashia Hopkins

    December 3, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    Girl run, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Like Justin said, you don’t own him your life. Ok, so he helped you open a checking a saving, big deal. I know you are thankful but shit anybody could have helped you with that. Actually the teller helped yo with that. Don’t stay for the sake of wanting the kids to have their father. His controlling ways can turn physical and what use will you be to your children if God forbid he harms you, permanently. You’ve got to be safe and get out of their. He showed you that the well being of all of his children is not his number one concern when he didn’t check his BM about what his daughters did. GIRL HEAD FOR THE BORDER!

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Advice

John Gray, We Are not Raising Men

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While looking through Twitter today, I came across an excerpt of Pastor John Gray on Sister Circle. What I saw disappointed me. A choir of sisters sat beside him advocating for women sidelining themselves to raise adult males. I was tight. Speaking about his wife, Aventer, Pastor John Gray said:

She’s a covering not a lid because if a man marries a lid she’ll stop your dream. But if you marry a covering, she’ll push you to your destiny.

To that, I say men who believe this are lids.

Not Your Mama, #NotYourMule

Women are burdened with confining gender roles that minimize the freedom women have in an oppressive patriarchal world. We are seen as lovers, maidens, mothers, queens, huntresses, sages, and mystics. Women are expected to be therapists, expert chefs, maids, and submissive to their significant others, at least in heteronormative relationships. We are expected to stay youthful, speak little, spend nothing, and be grateful for the opportunity. Not only are women subjugated to lives of servitude at their own expense, its due to the emotional immaturity of their spouses.

Men are particularly guilty of exploiting the maternal strengths many women possess. This notion that “a woman will inspire me to be my best self” is pure narcissism. Stringing women along with “I know I’m not perfect” or “I’ll make it one day” is manipulation. Judith Orloff, author of ‘The Empath’s Survival Guide’, says:

What narcissists see in empaths is a giving, loving person who is going to try and be devoted to you and love you and listen to you. But unfortunately empaths are attracted to narcissists, because at first this is about a false self. Narcissists present a false self, where they can seem charming and intelligent, and even giving, until you don’t do things their way, and then they get cold, withholding, and punishing.”

“I had to grow into her”

Empathetic people are patient to a fault and believe they can fix people with compassion. As John continued, he mentioned the pain he caused his wife because of his failure to heal himself.

My wife has endured more pain birthing me than both of our children. She has sacrificed these past 8 years, uncovering the painful areas of my manhood and covering the areas that could have exposed me.

That’s not her job! Toxic masculinity and the rejection of feminine energy has convinced men that they can wait until they’re in a relationship to deal with their baggage. While we frequently refer to this as a woman raising a man, its actually trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is when a victim and an abuser form a connection that makes it impossible to leave the relationship, no matter how much damage it’s doing. Much like the relationship between Michelle and Chad, these bonds are formed by the tactics narcissists use.

In situations like these, you just have to be prepared to say those people aren’t healthy for you. Let them go.

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Y’all Weren’t Going to Tell Me My Baby Was Ugly?

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After 28 hours of labor and an extra week of pregnancy, I was exhausted. That extra week messed up all of my plans! Having a natural birth didn’t happen. My husband had to leave in less than 24 hours after I gave birth for work. My sisters that came to help, had to go home. Not to mention the lack of breastmilk for the first 48 hours. The only help I had was from my 60-year-old father-in-law who hasn’t dealt with babies in over 25 years. Moments like this made me wish my mother was still alive. The stress of the situation didn’t really give me a chance to embrace my baby and motherhood. I looked at my son, but I didn’t really look at my son.

When I finally got a moment to soak in motherhood and embrace my baby, I thought something was wrong. Why does he look so old? I read overdue babies sometimes look a little wrinkly, but this was looking a little extreme. I could have sworn I saw a 5 o’clock shadow. I started to wonder if the Curious Case of Benjamin Button was happening to my child… Read the full blog at SimplyLizLove.com

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Yes, Check On Your “Strong Friend,” But First, Have You Checked In With Yourself?

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With the passing of celebrity fashion designer, Kate Spade, the dialogue around mental health and suicide prevention has re-surfaced. Also, it’s been a popular posting among social media groups and an overall cultural push in asking, “Have you checked on your strong friend? “I too believe it is important to reach out to those who would not traditionally appear to have struggled with mental health; Yet, I have a more pressing question to ask, have you checked on yourself? Too often, we become busy and caught up in everything around us and forget to take care of our own needs until we feel stressed and overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of the world we live in.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2010), suicide was the 16th leading cause of death for blacks of all ages and the third leading cause of death for black males ages 15–24. Additionally, although research indicates that suicidal behaviors occur at a lower rate than their high school counterparts, attempts at suicide among black high school students is increasing at an alarming rate.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2010), suicide was the 16th leading cause of death for blacks of all ages and the third leading cause of death for black males ages 15–24. Click To Tweet

For many, especially within the black community, misunderstand the importance of mental health. Thus, many members of the black community are reluctant to discuss mental health out of cultural conditioning, shame, and stigma regarding the signs and symptoms as less critical than they really are.

Checking on friends and on those who are close to us is all fine and dandy, however, before you can be there for someone else you need to take care of yourself. And remember, it’s not selfish or crime to ask what you need, you just have to be aware of what your own needs are.

Now, don’t get me wrong, as humans we long for the connection and empathy from others, but before we can make sure we truly support others with their struggles, we need to make sure we are there for ourselves. So, I ask you, when is the last time you took time out for yourself? When was the last time that you honestly took care of your needs, not just physical, but emotional as well? When was the last time you intentionally engaged in self-care?

              

 

Let’s end the stigma and continue to have these courageous conversations. No one is exempt, anyone could struggle with mental health.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, there are options available to help you cope 1-800-273-8255. You can call the Lifeline at any time to speak to someone and get support. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

As always, bring your ideas and thoughts, let’s have a civil conversation. I would love to hear your thoughts. Emphasis on “civil,” because the block game is S T R O N G. Find me Instagram and Twitter @TheCarterReport, as well as [email protected] I am always interested in hearing about what you all what to hear about.

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